Over the course of the last 17 months, I've inadvertently committed some fairly heinous parenting crimes, by trying to retain elements of our pre-T sex life. These are the 'On my god you'll never guess what T has done now' anecdotes I won't be sharing at Mum and Tots group. However thanks to the anonymity of the internet, you, dear reader, get to hear about them in all their icky glory. Below are my top 10 Lover/Mother guilty secrets...
1. The time I walked into our spare room, where we dry the washing, to find my 14 month old dancing with a pair of skimpy black lace knickers on his head.
2. Waking T up by being too, ah, enthusiastic during sex with Mr McGraw. Oops. This probably wouldn't score so highly but for the fact it happened more than once. The same night. Double oops.
3. Moving our 4 month old into his own room contrary to NHS guidelines which recommend waiting until baby is 6 months old. Not because, as we told everyone, we believed he would sleep better in his own room but quite simply because we were gagging for it.
4. Spending our first night and day away from T in bed. For 24 hours straight. Then being completely unconvincing when people asked what we did on our trip away. "Er, um, you know, er, museums and stuff?" I think even my own mother suspects the truth.
5. Finding my 17 month old using an "IOU Hot Sex" voucher as a toothpick.
6. Spending my free time reading dirty books instead of "10 ways to get vegetables into your toddler today!"
7. Using T's nap time to go back to bed ourselves in the afternoon. I know the books all say sleep when the baby sleeps but I don't think that's quite what they meant...
8. Unplugging the baby monitor in our room as oddly enough the sound of a snuffly, snoring baby is not an aphrodisiac. (If it is you should probably seek professional help. ) If he yells loud enough we will hear him.
9. When holidaying with friends and family, insisting on T having his own room as "he'll sleep better that way". Actually we are on holiday and I will be damned if I don't get a f**k on holiday. Sorry it cost you an extra £50, sis.
10. Writing this blog. My knowledge of teenagers nowadays is pretty limited, but I can't see it going down well in future years...